


Things I never said

by shirleyholmes



Series: Tumblr Mini-fics [4]
Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angsty Schmoop, BBC Sherlock - Freeform, Bromance, Canonical Character Death, Epic Bromance, Kink Meme, POV John, Pre-Slash, Slash Goggles, basically all the angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-22
Updated: 2013-01-22
Packaged: 2017-11-26 12:35:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/650581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shirleyholmes/pseuds/shirleyholmes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>That’s it, isn’t it? I’m just going to have to spit it out then. I never could say it, not really, but, in my defense, Sherlock, I never knew. And then I wonder if it would have changed anything. Would you have been so wild, so fucking mad, if you knew-</p>
            </blockquote>





	Things I never said

**Author's Note:**

> A (much) older piece, now cleaned up. For the prompt: John talks to Sherlock's grave.
> 
> P.S. I think you can read this as either pre-slash or bromance (or I hope you can)!
> 
> Now with a Chinese translation by the wonderful Bunny0920 here: http://tieba.baidu.com/p/2248523357

Sherlock, I wanted to say something. 

That’s so silly. I’m asking permission to speak, like you’re still here to give it. I guess- No. Never mind. It’s ludicrous and you’ll laugh at me, so I’ll save it, shall I? Maybe- maybe in a bit-

You know, Lestrade kept his damn job, after all. No thanks to you, you lousy git- I mean, you never did care much for him did you? No. You did. You respected him, Sherlock, I know you did... Oh stop smirking at me, just a bit, he’s a good fellow, a good mate, was to me-- to you too. 

And Molly. Molly’s doing well, er at the lab- haven’t seen her much. Guess she doesn’t want to see me. Don’t blame her, no. I’m rather dull company these days I’d imagine. A bit depressed and mopey, it's not really much fun. Never mind.

So who’s left- Ah, Mrs. Hudson... Well, she’s still upset and no denying it, but she’ll be fine. Bakes a lot of those- what biscuits are they? Something lemony, you always used to like-

I didn’t come here to ramble on about them, did I? Tell me, Sherlock, can you deduce it from my face, what I want to say? Of course you can, no, NO, I mean, you would have, right? Three seconds and you’d have known... So. What would you have said? 

Laughed, probably, yeah? I still hear you, um, sometimes, giggling, and there’s no one to remember it with me, because I don’t know who else ever heard it and... well it was kind of wonderful, you know that?

Oh god, listen to me. I’ll be nattering about your eyes next, comparing them to oceans or some rot. I’m a bit of an idiot, yeah. Most people are, you know. Don’t know why you put up with me anyways: I’m not that special am I?

You were special, Sherlock. To- to me. Well. 

That’s it, isn’t it? I’m just going to have to spit it out then. I never could say it, not really, but, in my defense, Sherlock, I never knew. And then I wonder if it would have changed anything. Would you have been so wild, so fucking mad, if you knew-

Useless. Regrets are useless aren’t they, could-have-beens and maybes, so utterly useless. I know that.

I can’t forgive myself anyways, you know. People are like that. They hurt.

Sometimes, they break. 

Captain John Watson. Nice title, right? The one who watched comrades die choking on their own blood, who shot so many men and my hands never shook, Jesus Sherlock, I thought I was invincible. But guess it turns out I’m only invincible with you by my side. 

A bit cliche, that. But there’s some truth to those, don’t you think? Or else they wouldn’t be cliches. Ah well. Indulge me for a bit, will you?

Look at me. Still talking to a grave. 

Bit harsh, that. Didn’t expect... Didn’t expect you’d go before me. I’m older you know. By just a bit, but not just that, I guess. Thought I’d always be able to protect you.

You always did like proving me wrong, didn’t you?

Oh, you. God, you. You were thin glass with sharp edges, more metaphors. I’m just going around it now. Stop it, Sherlock. Stop- stop smiling at me. 

No, don’t. Don’t leave me here. It’s easier, when I remember... I can’t believe it, you know. That this stone... there’s dirt here and a casket and your-your body Sherlock, in it.

Your curly black hair and those insane little grey eyes... And the blood, did they wipe it away, they must have, fuck, fucking hell, all of it, under my feet, gone ,in a box, you never- you never liked closed spaces, I can’t think of how... 

I can’t. I can’t do this, or I’ll never finish. You’re sneering now. Sentiment. Load of bullshit, you'd say. I don’t know, Sherlock. Feels pretty real to me. 

But then again, who am I to say? I’m the one who still feels your hand in mine, when we ran, that last time, you remember? I kept holding onto your coat... If only I’d known. Dammit, I’d never have let you go. And instead.. the next time I got to hold it, there wasn’t a pulse and the blood- Christ the blood. 

You big baby. You childish, absurd, bastard how ever, ever did you think you had the right to jump? To take your own life, Sherlock you weren’t allowed to fucking do that, you understand me? No, everything, anything, you shot holes in our wall for Christ’s sake and I never said a word, heads in the fridge and those fucking eyeballs in the sink, all that was good, fine, okay not good, but it was FINE, Sherlock, all fine and then you- 

I was going to take care of you, Sherlock. Until we were both old and drooling, preferably, but there was always the chance that I would died trying long before that and that would have been okay too. But you didn’t give me the chance.

You saved me, once. And for that, I would have saved you again and again. Not because, understand, I owed you. But because... well, it was me and you wasn’t it? Sherlock Holmes and Doctor John Watson and that’s what friends DO, Sherlock-

Oh Christ. Who the fuck am I fooling, here? Who the fuck-because I never fooled anyone else, did I? They all fucking knew and I didn’t and Christ-

I don’t care. Laugh all you want, - but I- I want you to know. You deserve that at least.

I want you to know, just this:

That you were loved- so loved. 

Because I have always loved you.

There.

So do me a favor, yeah, Sherlock? 

Laugh at me all you want. But save me a place in heaven, if they let you in.

I mean, it doesn’t matter, does it?

We all know I’d follow you into hell, if it came to that. 

Though you never did believe in God. /Science/, you’d yell at me, whenever I even mentioned the topic.

Well, you were almost always right, so--

I’ll probably not be seeing you again then. 

It’s alright. I’ll try, you know. I’d do anything- If I could, just to say-

I loved you, you idiot. 

Don’t think I’ll ever stop missing you. Waking up and thinking, maybe today, you’ll be there, grab my hand and tell me there’s a case, -- But you won't will you? I've got to stop thinking you will-- I buried you once, but I never really did. I never really let go and so here I am-- Last words and all that--fuck. 

Goodbye, old friend. 

I had- No, we had-- the best of times together, once.

But I think it's time I moved on.

**Author's Note:**

> It's intentionally a bit disjointed, but please, let me know what you think! I always appreciate criticism and comments!


End file.
